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We Have Got No Right to Be This Unhappy

by Sock in Human Form

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1.
Josh Monge 01:55
I'm gonna get real drunk. I'm gonna crash my car. I'm gonna make everybody real unhappy. I'm not gonna wear my seatbelt. I'm gonna die on impact. I hope all my friends never forgive me. The last sound that comes out of my mouth will be laughter buried in choking and screaming. You'll be there watching as I stop breathing. I'll gouge my eyes out. I'll burn this fucking house down. My ashes will never be found. My body won't be around, because I'm gonna get real drunk. I'm gonna crash my car. I'm gonna make everybody real unhappy. I'm not gonna wear my seatbelt. I'm gonna die on impact. I hope all of you never forgive me.
2.
Maybe I'll end up in North Carolina or something if I ever get the hell out of here. Maybe I don't belong in Madison Wisconsin. Maybe I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I'll end up in that boring little town again. Maybe I don't care. I know it isn't all so bad. Everybody tells me not to be so sad, but it just gets hard to care.
3.
Ride the wagon down the hill. Better swallow all your pills, just like your friends told you to. Overdose on dying misspent youth. I've seen you spend your last ten dollars on more sand to fill that hour glass life of yours. There's a crack in the bottom. The sand's pouring out, but you keep putting more in the top. Now you're doing your best to never find out what happens when the sand is all gone.
4.
The thing in my room keep whispering to me, telling me I can't escape from them. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm stuck just like you. Maybe this is just the world that we live in. I drink lake water so the fish in my lungs can breathe. The silence in my head, and the words I found in it won't let me be. You're bleeding. You've cut yourself open again.
5.
The answers I need were on the tip of my tongue, but this place held me down and cut my tongue off. None of us seem to know what we want. We're always searching, but maybe there's nothing lost. This world keeps beating me down, but when I fight back it just hits me harder. We've taken this too far already. Why not go a little farther? You look into my eyes. You put your hand in mine, and every fucking time I have to tell myself that it's a lie. Every time before I just didn't wanna be alone, but this time I think all I really wanted was you. You looked into my eyes the other day. I could've kissed you then, but I just looked away. You said I was too quite, but was I supposed to say? What am I supposed to say?
6.
It's fall now. I moved out of Indigo's house, after he broke my door down. It's such a weird feeling still living and breathing, watching my friends running out. I had to get out of my hometown after all the pizza places closed down. The only one left right before I went was Domino's and going back there just wouldn't feel right now. These inside jokes are killing me. I never thought I'd see the day. We were all so unhappy, but maybe we were better off that way.
7.
XCH 01:25
You forgot the last digit of my phone number. You'd have called the wrong person if you tried to call me. Sometimes I wonder if I should've just let it go, if you'd be better off to just forget about me. Well I don't know. I still remember those license plate letters. I see them on other cars all the time. Now I feel like an extra in some shitty independent horror movie where my only line is some stupid lie. So I bought some cigarettes with your Walgreens rewards number. You forgot the last digit of my phone number. You'd have called the wrong person if you tried to call me.
8.
The sun went down, but it's still pretty bright out for now. Light pollution take me home to my grandmothers house, but it's the last place I wanna be. Somewhere I know everybody loves me. A door frozen shut. A whole world buried in cigarette butts. Death, I know you're somewhere in these walls. Death, I know how much you want me now. Well you can have me. It gets so cold down here in the dark. There have been so many fires I wished that I could start, but I'm frozen over. I'm all frozen over. These photographs my mother took sit beside my old notebooks. Pictures no one else could really get. Now this room feels like a movie set. Death, I can see you in these walls. Your voice lights up the skies over this town. You can have me.
9.
Maybe there's still a couple of things that I never told you, like I don't really like these songs that I write anymore. I wish I could just go outside and take in the sunshine, but I'm too tired to stand up, and maybe a bit too drunk to unlock the door. I keep on wishing that things would change. I keep on wishing everything was the same as it used to be. I wish I really hated the government. I wish that I hated you. I wish I hated myself a little more, or a little less. I wish that things would change. I wish everything was the same as it used to be.
10.
Driving home alone again. I guess it's something I've just gotta learn to live with. I don't know why I ever went so far. You're fucked up in the other room. Tell me something, baby, something new, cause I don't ever wanna stop this car. I'm almost out of money again, and I didn't even buy any drugs with it, but I'm becoming more and more like you every day. You walk through the door with that thousand yard stare. I'd tell you that I miss you, but you wouldn't care. You wish things were different, because you're all starting to look the same. Late night nothing, now you're living the dream. It'll all be fine if you can stay asleep. If you don't play you won't lose, and either way you'd never win. Save that money. Buy a nicer cage. Right before I left I think I heard her say "Well I'm a high fucking roller and I'll never be sober again."
11.
I couldn't tell you how I'm feeling even if I wanted to. I couldn't tell you anything you don't already know. We were born into this hopeless, and it's getting to our heads. So maybe I'm doing just fine, or maybe I'm already dead. How were we born into this mess? How are we expected to survive when all we have is this hole that our parents left behind? Like the holes in my stomach or the holes in our brains. We were left out in the cold, but man, I'm starting to like this rain.
12.
I know I could go out to another show. I could stare at some pretty girl I'm too afraid to talk to, but instead I'll just stay home and write another song about all the pretty girls I'm too afraid to talk to. I know I could go get some dinner all alone, but I'd probably just throw it all up when I got home. Nothing ever seems to fill these holes in my stomach the way you used to. I don't know who I'm supposed to be, but baby this world ain't no place for a man like me. I guess that I probably should have stayed in school. I guess I should probably care. I just couldn't take all of you people any longer with those awful vacant stares. I know I could stick around and try to meet someone new, but honestly I think I'd rather go. Hey dad, I know you've heard this one before, but I'm almost finished reading On the Road. The other day, Jasmine, I tried to call you, but I'm kinda glad you didn't pick up the phone because nothing ever could fill this hole in my stomach like the thought of something new. I don't know who you expect me to be, but darling this world ain't no place for a man like me.
13.
Instead of changing our ways we try to rewrite our brains when things don't go just write. Now I need my coffee just to get through the day, and I need pills to sleep at night. I'm just saying I think it's kinda fucked up that we get so fucked up all the time. We smoke and we drink until life doesn't hurt, or at least until we forget why. I was supposed to learn to be alone without being lonely, but instead learned to be lonely without being alone. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what road this is. I'm just hoping that it takes me home. I'm just saying I think it'd kinda fucked up that I've been so fucked up this whole time. I'll smoke and I'll drink until I can't even think and my body hurts more than my mind. Maybe you are not so different from the people you hate, or the people you tend to forget. Did you ever think that maybe you don't have it so much worse? But that doesn't mean that you don't have less than you deserve. But that's the life you've got so just do your best to live it. Try not to run or hide and just fucking deal with it. It's gonna suck sometimes, but that's just a part of life. Just remember everything good or bad that has existed will change.
14.
I've been walking through this school for far too long, I've been wandering these hallways just getting more lost. Everyone's as sick of me as I am of myself. I guess I'll stay out of your way if I can't do nothing else. I had a dream where I was supposed to be in class, but I couldn't find the right room so maybe I missed my chance. I crushed all the trees and threw them in the river. I didn't even stay to watch them float away. All that I can hope for now is something new to hope for. Until then I'll do my best to stay out of your way. Everyone's as sick of me as I am of myself.
15.
There used to be a message of hope in all the sad songs that I wrote, but now they just feel like sad songs. It feels alright being back in Minnesota, but that won't stop the cops from meeting their quotas. I guess I don't expect to live too long. I guess I could hang out with my old friends, but I don't know if that's gonna make any difference. I don't even know if I care. I could travel all around the country telling myself I'm looking for something, but every town I'm in feels like nowhere. Nothing feels good anymore. Nothing feels good. I try not to think about how lonely I am here, but nothing I do makes me feel like I'm anywhere. I don't feel real and I don't really care. I really really wish I cared. Nothing feels good anymore. Nothing feels good.
16.
This place was my haven, and these people were my friends. I know you've had some good times, but good things do end. Your liver is swollen. There's blood in your tears. Your body is breathing, but your mind's never here. I don't always say the things that I should, like "it's hard not to think that only the young die good." We are all dying, I know, but I refuse to be the last one to go. Things might get better, but I can't promise you anything except that we won't survive if we just keep running away. But there are bigger things than you and me, so maybe we still have a few debts to pay. We have got no right to be this unhappy. We have got no right to keep on living this way.

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released October 15, 2016

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Sock in Human Form Madison, Wisconsin

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